Advice from Dr Judith Locke

Primary is done, but high school is just around the corner. So, what are some things you can think about to make sure that they're ready for high school.

Number one, are they independently getting themselves ready to do things in the morning, or are you needing to nag them and remind them and scream, etc.? Your child should be doing many more independent tasks, such as getting themselves dressed, getting their breakfast, and packing their school bag. So, make sure they step up to those tasks much more before they start high school.

Number two, are they on track to be independent in their schoolwork? You shouldn't need to be reminding them all the time to do their homework, nor needing to sit next to them all the time to keep them motivated. So, make sure you step back a little bit now and insist that they have to do tasks like homework before they get any of the fun things in the afternoon.

Number three, are they increasing their general responsibility? Your child needs to show more responsibility and maturity to get through their high school years, and you can help them in the home by insisting they do a little bit more for the family. Get them to do a few more chores on a timetable, and make sure that they remember to do those things themselves without you having to nag or remind them all the time.

Number four, what if your child starts expressing some fear about starting school? Well, it's important to listen to their fears about high school, empathize with them, but also normalize the fact that most people are nervous about starting new things. For example, the last time you started a new job, you probably didn't get much sleep the night before.

Number five, remind them that fear just means it's something new and unknown to them, and that doesn't mean it's going to be a disaster. In fact, trying new things is some of the best stuff in life.

Homework—it's the bane of parents' existence, but there are some ways to make it go better.

Let's look at some ages and stages and what you should be doing. When they're in early primary, it's a good idea to be involved in their homework. You might need to hear their spelling words or read with them, so set that up in the afternoon, then do something really lovely afterward.

In the upper primary years, you need to start doing routines over reminders. What I mean by that is that rather than nagging them or reminding them, etc., to do their homework, set up a system where they have to have done their homework in the afternoon before they get to do any fun things like playing outside, gaming, or watching TV.

In high school, it's actually their responsibility. It's developmentally inappropriate to be highly involved in your child's high school homework. That's because they should be stepping up and doing what they need to do.

There is every chance that your upper primary child or early high school child might not be so inclined to do their homework, and that's kind of understandable. Research shows us that children between Year 6 and Year 9 can sometimes get a little bit slack with their academic responsibilities. That's because they tend to be choosing their friends over choosing their good relationships with adults or teachers. So, their priority is actually being cool with their mates and maybe not getting their French homework done.

Many parents start arguing with their child who's not doing their homework, and it makes it very uncomfortable for everybody. It's also not good for your relationship.

So, instead, sit them down and tell them that you're not going to argue about their homework anymore, that you're giving them responsibility to get it done, and that you're going to allow them to also experience the consequence should they not do that. Ask them what that consequence is, and if they know, you might offer help with them getting organized if that's their area of opportunity.

But if they do get in trouble with school, allow the school to give them that consequence and be somewhat matter of fact with it. School consequences are often much more effective than arguments with parents.

For children, if your child's not as responsible as you would like in their homework, then there are other things you can do to build their responsibility.

The teen and tween years—they have the reputation of being very tricky, but there are things you can do to make sure you've got a good relationship with your child in these years.

So, first of all, let's understand why the tween and teen years are so tricky.

Before those years, your child has usually been very close with you and chosen your company a lot. But what happens is they start to move away from you in the tween years and start choosing their friends much more. This can make your relationship a little bit different.

Add in things such as their emotional part of their brain being much more dominant than their sensible part and add in things such as hormones and body changes, and it's understandable that you've got a slightly different child in front of you. But that doesn't mean that these years need to be a disaster.

There are things you can do to prepare for the tween years in early or middle primary.

One thing that's really important to keep in mind is that you are the person in charge. Now, what's going to happen over time is your child's going to slowly get more say over things, but set up clearly that you are in a loving relationship, but you're still the person that dictates what happens.

So, in the years before or even the years during, there are five things you can do to make sure that everything goes well.

Number one, have clear, unchanging rules, like treating other people's things with respect and using an inside voice.

Number two, give clear, calm instructions that don't use emotions. Rather than say, ‘I'd really like it if you cleaned up your bedroom,’ say, ‘You need to clean up your bedroom, and then we can go to the park.’

Number three, give immediate and unemotional consequences when they don't follow the rules. For example, if they've been rude to you, give them an immediate chore that they have to do to earn their privileges back.

Number four, have them on commission more than salary. What do I mean by that? Well, if they come over to you and ask for a lift to their mate's place, then say you can absolutely do that, but could they get the washing in first? So, you'll have some time.

Number five, keep connected by using every moment that you have together. A great idea is, when you're in the car, make sure that your child isn't allowed to scroll their phone or put on headphones so you're able to really chat about the day.

And finally, keep positive. If you have the right approach and the right attitude, it won't necessarily be a tricky time for you.

So, your child has been at school all day, and now you're reconnecting in the car or at home. What are some ideas to make sure that conversation goes well?

First of all, be excited when you see them and genuinely curious about what's happened.

Number two, you don't need to find out every single thing that's happened at school that day. A few broad questions are fine, such as, ‘How was your day?’ and ‘How was swimming?’

Number three, encourage conversation. This is particularly important for your tween or teen. Don't allow them to scroll their phone or put headphones on. And even with a younger child, don't allow them to read a book in the car or when they're speaking to you. You will always encourage better conversation when they're not distracted.

Number four, this is really important. As they start to get older, they should be asking you a few questions about your day, like, ‘How was your day, Mum or Dad?’ Remember, you're teaching them to be a good conversationalist, and conversations come from both sides.

Number five, if they do report something tricky that happened at school that day, then listen to what they have to say, empathize with their plight, and make sure you normalize reactions, such as being disappointed that they didn't get on the team.

The important thing is what you do next.

If it's a small thing, then those three steps may be sufficient. If it's a slightly larger problem, then encourage them to think about ways they can solve the problem. Coach them in this—don't solve the problem for them.

If the problem is a much bigger thing, then you might want to involve the school, but really respectfully approach their teacher and make sure you work together as a team to make a better outcome.

And finally, remember that your child needs those occasional disappointing days or they won't be ready for the years beyond school. Remember that they need occasional challenge to develop resilience.

So, your child's about to go into Year 11 or Year 12 at school. Let's get them on the right track.

First of all, a lot of students have the goal of getting the best ATAR result possible. And while that seems like a good idea, the problem is the way that some do it.

Many will stop all of their other activities and just focus on study. So, they might reduce their team sport, not do as many tasks around the home, or not socialise as much. But this can be very, very problematic.

There is actually a risk of your child doing too much study to the exclusion of everything else. It's not a healthy way to live to not be doing other things, such as team sports, time with their friends, relaxing, or helping around the house. This is because it means that they're not learning to juggle, and that makes them less ready for the juggling that's going to be involved in university or working life.

And finally, don't make too big a deal of their ATAR. There are many ways to get into university. If they want to go, they might consider a gap year or they might start work and see exactly what they want to do. Remember, be supportive of them in these years and not too pressuring.

Year 11 and 12 can be a little bit stressful for students, but it's important to think of six critical things that are going to make these years go well.

Number one. Make sure they're doing enough exercise. We know from research that children who do 30 minutes a day at least of exercise will likely get better grades. So, make sure they're doing some physical activity, particularly team sports, which is a bit of exercise and a bit of socialising.

Number two. Make sure that they've got sufficient and realistic study time. There is very much an idea of too little study time, but there's also too much study. So, make sure they're in that happy in-between where they're doing a bit of study but are doing a bit of other stuff as well.

Number three. Make sure they've got some responsibility to the household and to the family. Remember, their homework and their study is not something they're doing for the family, but something they're doing for themselves.

The other value of doing things such as unpacking the dishwasher means that they're actually going into a task we call low cognitive load, and that's where you can kind of think a little bit about that essay as you're putting away the plates. That means you come back to your study a little bit refreshed.

Number four. It's really critical that they have some time for socialising. Remember, socialising is not this , okay. Socialising is person-to-person contact, and it's important that they have some time with their friends, but also that the whole family has some time for socialising as well. A great way to do that is to make sure that there is no technology or TV at the dinner table and everybody's eating and chatting about their day.

Number five. They need enough leisure time. They need to have downtime where they're not doing intensive work, but stuff they really enjoy, such as watching a movie, reading, or even doing a hobby.

Number six. Sleep. A teenager needs between eight and 10 hours of sleep a night, and that's important for rest, but it's also important to be able to lay down the memories of the things that they've studied that day.

Remember to make sure that they are sleeping properly at night. They should have no handheld devices in their bedroom, because those devices are the enemy of good sleep.

So, you want to help your Year 11 and 12 child get through these years, but you don't know how. Here's seven great ideas.

Number one. Take the pressure off. There is not one chance, or life is not one straight line. Your child may zigzag to where they need to be, and that is fine.

Number two. Be supportive of your child. Schedule some time together or even cook side by side. You want to make sure that you're checking in with what's happening.

Number three. Be supportive of your child in doing their work but resist all urges to help them too much. Remember, your child has to build genuine skill, and if you're helping them too much, they're not going to do that.

Number four. Still be the person in charge. Your child hasn't developed the sensible part of their brain fully yet, and so you still need to be the sensible person, giving structure and making sure that they're not doing anything dangerous. Don't be afraid of doing that. It's good parenting.

Number five. Be understanding of occasional moodiness but follow my mantra, which is: everybody has the right to be in a bad mood, they just don't have the right to take it out on others. A critical consideration here is that the only way you can have good mental health is if you have broadly good relationships with the people you live with.

Number six. Remember, they are still part of a family and need to act appropriately. They should be doing some chores and helping out around the household. They should be having meals with people. Remember, this is going to take the pressure off them if they still have the down times of good family moments and also will take the pressure off the people who are living with them.

Number seven. Be open to it all and not fearful. Sure, Year 12 has a few big exams and a few sort of challenges, but it's also got some great things such as formals and Schoolies and lovely moments. So, make sure you have a good attitude to it. Year 12 could be a great year.

Sure, you want your child to do well at school and well in the years beyond, but there's a critical conversation you can have with them that will ensure that even more.

Number one. Be clear about your basic rules of the years beyond school. One I recommend to clients all the time is an earn or learn policy. That means that your child has to either be in a full-time job, full-time study, or part-time job and part-time study. It's important that they don't think that for their gap year they can just lie on the sofa for a year.

Number two. Be really clear about the rules that should happen if they are going to be living at home. You want to establish things like them still being an active, contributing member of the household and rules about things like alcohol or partners staying over. Be very clear with your child now so they know what their options are post-school.

Number three. Be really clear about their options at university. Remember, studying a course should lead to a career. We see some incidents of depression in students who have studied kind of for fun for three years but then are no closer to a job. Have them do the research to know what courses get them into what careers.

Number four. If your child is thinking of working full-time when they finish school, then have a discussion with them about what you expect from them. Should they want to still live at your house, you might want to cover in that conversation things such as board, if you expect them to pay that, and also what you expect them to contribute to the household, and the kind of rules of them living there.

And finally, this is a really important thing that I see in a lot of clients. What happens is they finish school and all the excitement of Schoolies, etc., and then they're in a real lull for those weeks until they start a job or university. It's really important that you keep them engaged in that time.

The ideal is a full-time job, part-time job, or even doing chores for you. You want to keep them busy because good mental health is about being genuinely engaged and doing things they're proud of every day until they do the next thing. Remember, a good future is all in the planning now.